3 Reasons Why The Ending of Fight Club Is Terrifying For Everybody

If you’re reading this you’ve probably seen Fight Club. If not, did you come from the past in some sort of HG Well’s style time machine? If so, welcome to the internet. We have a lot of porn. For everybody else, allow me to ruin Fight Club for you as we ignore the bullshit happy ending we were given and look at what would really happen after the credits roll.

"So by 'strange time in your life' you mean just after you killed a bunch of people and...is that...do you have a boner?"

1: Fight Club won’t just go away because Tyler’s gone

"For the last time, I don't care if you were in Requiem For A Dream. Your band sucks!"

By the end of the movie there are more Fight Clubs than there are Starbucks and they don’t require Tyler to run them. Which makes sense, because KFC runs itself just fine without Colonel Sanders. As Jack confirms at the police station.

Detective Stern and THREE DETECTIVES stand, staring at Jack,

   who's seated.  On the table are the phone bill and files.

JACK

  There are probably several hundred

  members in the metropolitan area.

Chapters are sprouting in at least

five other major cities.  They're

  tightly-regimented, with many cells

    capable of operating without a

central leader.

    

Tyler has made every precaution to stop Jack from interfering or destroying Fight Club by ordering the Space Monkeys to ignore his orders. Which is just the sort of paradox you'd excepect from a man who breaks the first rule of Fight Club to anounce the second rule of Fight Club which is about not breaking the first rule of Fight Club. Just take this scene for example where jack finds some of Project Mayhem’s plans and tries to leaf through them:

ANGEL FACE

   That wouldn't interest you.

JACK

Where's Tyler?

ANGEL FACE

The first rule of Project --

  JACK

  Right, right.

"This is about the disfuguring injuries thing again, isn't it? When are you going to let that go?"

Project mayhem will stop at nothing to bring about Tyler’s vision of the future. And This isn't a future where we stream episodes of Doctor Who and eat microwave pizzas, this is more of a knife fighting marauding street gangs kind of future. As Tyler explains:

                        

TYLER

             In the world I see -- you're stalking

             elk through the damp canyon forests

             around the ruins of Rockefeller

             Center.  You will wear leather

             clothes that last you the rest of

             your life.  You will climb the wrist-

             thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears

             Tower.  You will see tiny figures

             pounding corn and laying-strips of

             venison on the empty car pool lane of

             the ruins of a superhighway.

"From now on anyone who knows who knows what a duvet is will be an enemy of the republic."

2: Jack is either going to be arrested or castrated or both

Any chance of a happy ending for Jack goes out the window when he runs into a police station and and starts screaming about acts of terrorism:

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

   Jack RUNS to the front desk, crazed, dumps the armload of
   files on the desk in front of the DESK SERGEANT...

JACK

I want you to arrest me.  I'm the

leader of a terrorist organization

     responsible for acts of vandalism all

over the city.  Detective Stern in

arson knows who I am...

Yeah, police usually follow up on tips like that even in a pre 9/11 world.

"But, guys, I overcame the dark personification of my hatred of capitalism...that means I can go home, right? Guys?"

One police officer takes this pretty seriously and goes off to check this out. While other police officers subtly reveal that they work for Project Mayhem with some casual attempted dick slicing. 

BALD DETECTIVE

You know the drill.  You said if

anyone ever tries to interfere with

  Project Mayhem, even you, we got to

get his balls.

 

"And that concludes this week's meeting. Oh, one last thing before I forget: if I mention any of this please cut off my balls."

And let’s not forget that this isn’t just a weird comic aside. The cops actually allude to the fact that they have done this enough times to set an actual record.                 

       

BALDY

   What's our best time for a "cut and

run?"

FLAT-TOP

Four minutes.

BALDY

Is somebody timing this?

REDHEAD

(looks at his watch)

Wait till the second hand gets to the

twelve.

You also have to take into account that there are four guys in this room and three of them are in Fight Club. In maths terms this means that 75% of the police force work for Project Mayhem and have direct orders to cut off people's dicks.

  

Well. Fuck.

So, we can assume at some points after the credits Jack ends up peeing sitting down for the rest of his life or - I dunno. What's a time-sensitive girly reference? Watching Twilight? But the good news is he won’t have to go to jail because...

3: Jack will be institutionalised

Jack suffers from an extreme version of dissociative personality disorder. Even if shooting himself through the cheek somehow deals with the Tyler Durden issue temporarily  that doesn’t mean Tyler will not come back, in some form. For example, if I were to shoot Nick fucking Nolte through the face with a harpoon gun, and he survived (we're talking about Nick Nolte so he WILL survive) will he then become more or less insane?

Uh, that’s not how you cure schizophrenia. If anything, that probably makes it worse.

Some night when Jack is lonely or scared or depressed, Tyler will come back to cheer him up. And if not Tyler, then some other expression of his subconscious. Maybe, a representation of his father. Or, I don't know, the fucking Easter Bunny wearing crotchless panties and singing Taylor Swift songs. What do I know? The guy's fucking crazy.

And he can never eat soup again.

So the best case scenario for Jack is that he ends up in an institution for the criminally insane. Instead of going to jail or losing his balls and occasionally becoming Tyler Durden as society collapses outside. And maybe, just maybe he gets the occasional acknowledging nod from a janitor with a black eye, or a knowing glance from a male nurse. That isn’t speculation, by the way, that’s how the novel actually ends.

Not pictured: Sanity

How to pretend the Star Wars prequels never happened...with heroin!

Trainspotting is a film set in Scotland. Hey, where're you going? Don't leave! I'm going to talk about Star Wars in a minute, okay? It stars Ewan Mcgregor as Renton, a heroin addict who suffers hallucinations due to extended drug abuse who consistently breaks the fourth wall. Seriously, he does this so often it's like he's trying to win the Ferris Bueller award.

"Hey, I just met you and I'm obviously crazy. Here's a knife. Heroin maybe?"

The movie ends with Renton stealing a large bag of cash from his fellow junkies and walking off into the sunset.  Now, if a long term junkie has a bag full of money how many drugs do you think he’ll do? I'll make this multiple choice to make things easier for you. A: none of the drugs?. B) some of the drugs? Or c) all of the drugs?


“If only there were some way to inject this cash into my veins...”

“...hey, wait a minute!”

Since we're shown no title card to indicate Renton has kicked his drug habit forever we can assume Renton takes his big bag of money and trades it for a big bag of drugs then sits in some dingy hotel room, trips massive fucking balls and probably suffers a critical overdose. So, assuming that Renton has now slipped into a permanent drug induced coma and is dying, we have to imagine what type of scenario he will imagine. As we see with this line he earlier expressed an open hatred of his Scottish identity.

TOMMY 

    Doesn't it make you proud to be Scottish?

 RENTON

I hate being Scottish. We're the lowest of the fucking low, the

    scum of the earth, the most wretched, servile, miserable, pathetic
    trash that was ever shat into civilization. Some people hate the
    English, but I don't. They're just wankers. We, on the other hand,
    are colonized by wankers. We can't even pick a decent culture to
    be colonized by. We are ruled by effete arseholes. It's a shite
    state of affairs and all the fresh air in the world will not make
    any fucking difference.

So, in his fantasy he's no longer Scottish. Maybe he becomes English. And maybe he becomes slightly effete. And considering the below quote he has some decent film knowledge to boot.

SICK BOY
    You Only Live Twice?

 RENTON

Nineteen-sixty-seven.

SICK BOY
    Running time?

RENTON
    One hundred and sixteen minutes.

Okay, so now he's English, and he's effete, he knows his films, and he exists in the nineties when the Star Wars films were still reverential.  Holy shit. Did he just become Alec Guiness?

"This is not the skag you are looking for"

In one of the first scenes of The Phantom Menace Obi Wan dives to the bottom of a large lake which is eerily simialar to the halucination he had in Trainspotting where he dived head first into a toilet bowl to retrieve a suppository.

So, now that he's a Jedi, he fills his world full of familiar characters


The toad faced comic relief


The best friend and mentor

Even the psychotic, blade wielding Begbie turns up in Macgregor's pee stained fever dream as a psychotic blade wielding sith

This is what Glaswegians look like on Saturday night

His feelings of guilt over the death of a toddler resurface in the character of Anakin Skywalker. Because both Anakin and the Dark Sides are just manifestations of the corrupting effects of the heroin that are ravaging Renton's body in the real world and slowly killing him. That's why we see Anakin slowly turning to the Dark Side over the course of three movies, and Obi Wan's futile attemps to stop this.

“You were supposed to be the chosen one!”

Ok, admittedly, this theory is a bit of a stretch. But what's easier to believe: that a junkie with a pre-existing mental condition exacerbated by years of drug abuse took lots of drugs and imagined he was Obi Wan Kenobi in his final moments on earth...or that a CGI monster stepped in some dookie?

"Choose life. Choose the force. Choose a Millenium Falcon that can make the Kessel run in under fifteen parsecs"

Resident Evil Retribtuion (Starring Barry Burton). What is it?

Contains spoilers(If it's possible to spoil a Resident Evil movie)

If you were asked who your favourite character from the Resident Evil games is and said anything other than Barry Burton you’re probably suffering from the early effects of the T-virus. Consider throwing yourself through the nearest window. If you did say Barry Burton, congratulations you win a colt Python.

                                            It’s especially powerful against living things

The scripts for all these movies read like somebody was trying to see how much bullshit they could write before dying from solvent abuse. So, it was with great trepidation that I decided I might watch the newest Resident Evil movie. Yup, the promise of Barry Burton is enough incentive to watch a Paul W. Anderson Resident Evil movie: a series that’s only gimmick is some obligatory Milla Jovovich sideboob.

                                           TWO HOURS OF BRAIN DAMAGE FOR THIS?

But first, let’s take a look, at the man (the legend) that is Barry Burton. A man with such lines as “What is this...blood?” and “Phew that was close...you were almost a Jill sandwich” and my personal favourite “FOOOOOOOOOOOREST!”

                                         
                                  The weirdest thing is this isn’t even edited THAT MUCH

                                                   
Yup, that’s Chris Durant from Wolverine origins. If you don’t remember him in Wolverine origins he was in every scene where that stinging pain in your head ceased momentarily. He was fairly good at playing Blob in other words. He’s shown up in some other bad movies and TV shows such as Dark Angel and the later series of Lost and is a fairly good character actor. Just to prove the fact that God hates him let’s see a list of his credits:

Walking Tall
Legion
Real Steel
I Am Number 4
Robin Hood (the crappy one)

                                                            
Clearly, this guys falls asleep crying with a belly full of bourbon and a gun in his mouth every night

So, what’s the movie like?

Well it sucks. As usual Chris Ass-bastard Anderson followed the exact same plot as all the other films.

Act 1:
Introduce Jovovich semi naked
Bring in some characters who are better than Jovovich
Stupid kung fu scene

Act 2
Kill off all the good characters
focus on Jovovich some more

Act 3
Bang bang shooty action
Boom boom a fucking explosion
BULLSHIT ENDING

And did Barry actually get to say any of his famous dialogue? No, because that would involve Anderson actually having some modicum of respect for this series instead of raping it in the ass while laughing maniacally in a gimp suit as the budget burns.

"It's not about the money...okay, yeah, it's totally about the money."

Barry has hardly any lines in this at all, and when he does, they’re pure exposition. The closest we get to some actual Barry dialogue is when Leon Kennedy asks Barry “What is this?” and Barry responds “I don’t know.” Are you fucking kidding me, Anderson? Oh, and this is the guy who plays Kennedy:

                          Okay, Anderson, it's pretty clear you've never played these games


And as a parting fuck you to the audience, Anderson gives us one tidbit of Barry Burton’s potential awesomeness before killing him.

Goddamn you, Anderson

So, what’s my unbiased professional opinion of this steaming pile of cine-shit? 4 out of 10 fucks are given and not a single fuck more. And although I don't usually use memes to express my disproval, I'm making a special one-time-only exception. Take it away, Spiderman!

A couple of reasons why Pokemon need to wage civil war

1 Pokemon eat each other and are then eaten by humans

Pokemon are intelligent and self aware. They have their own form of language which they seem to use to communicate with each other. This makes it all the more disturbing that Pokemon eat each other. But it makes sense: if they didn't have a food chain there'd be no eco-system. It's also established that humans eat Pokemon also. So survival in the Pokemon universe is an endless chain of murder.










2 The Poké Ball is really Poké Hell

What's inside a pokeball? No-one knows. It's never been explained in an episode. The prevailing theory is that it's like a Tardis, with greater space on the outside than the inside. The truth however,  is that it's closer to the ghost trap in Ghost Busters. The pokeball reduces Pokemon to "spirit energy" essentially killing them temporarily.

Once caught in a Pokeball they drift through an endless spiritual limbo until called upon to fight. But, hey at least they're not forced to fight to the death, right? Yeah, because death would be a merciful release from the undead hell that Pokemon suffer. And Pokemon isn't about mercy.

3 Meowth's tragic back story

Meowth's story is probably the most depressing in all the Pokemon universe. He was a normal Pokemon who, abandoned as a baby, ended up joining a street gang and falling in love with a cat called Mewsie. He couldn't provide her with the luxuries her human owner could so tried his best to be human to impress her by learning to walk upright on two legs and even how to talk

When he approached Mewsie she rejected him, seeing him as a 'freak'. But what did she know she was just a stupid cat. Surely the humans would be impressed by the only talking animal in the world, right?

Wrong again. Accepting that Meowth is a sentient being with a conciousness and rights would mean the fundemental destruction of a world based upon the subjecation, torture and murder of the only commodity in the Pokemon univere. So Meowth took the only job opportunity available to a fantastical talking animal in the Pokemon universe: a dangerous terrorist not accepted by polite society. 

How Steve Guttenberg prevented global nuclear war. Yes, the guy from Cocoon.

Steve Guttenberg has all the charm and sparkle of an empty potato sack in a puddle of motor oil outside a disused factory. If you feel anything other than apathy when thinking about Steve Guttenberg you're either Steve Guttenberg's mum or eating bugs in a psychiatric institution. Around about 1990 people came to their collecive senses and lost interest in Guttenberg. Lke many things of the 80's (Coleco Vision, headbands, Michael Jackson's credibility, etc) he vanished.

If you don't know who Steve Guttenberg is, you haven't missed much. His whole career has revolved around movies where he helped old people have sex or played the straight man to a racist caricature (Played by a very non-Indian Fisher Stevens in makeup).

Wow. Just. Wow.

Yet the world owes Guttenberg a great debt. The reason we're not fighting off roving gangs of mutant punks on motorbikes for clean, radiation free water is because, in the eighties, during the cold war, the great superpowers of Russia and America were at stalemate. Many people believed that, due to a diplomatic failure or someone leaning on the wrong button, the nuclear weapons that were ready to go off any second would...pretty much go off any second.

The cold war summarized

Then Guttenberg starred in a TV movie,called The Day After. It was a fairly accurate potrayel of what would happen in the very likely, and maybe imminent, event of a nuclear war. It contained scenes of people being trampled in the panic, vaporized, blinded by the flash. It terrified a generation of people who'd been raised to believe that crouching in a ball under a wooden table would protect them from the explosive heat of a thousand suns.

0:49: Ok, why are these people calmly carrying on with their wedding?

The movie was so controversial that hotlines were run with councellers on standby in case people were disturbed by what they saw. A live debate was aired straight afterwards arguing for and against nuclear proliferation. More than 100 million people watched this. To put that in contrast, 13.5 million Americans watched the grand finale of Lost

It still looks better than Jordy Shore

But shit got real when Ronald Reagan, The President of the United States got involved. Reagan was shown the film a few days before it was screened, along with the joint chiefs of staff and later wrote in his diary about how greatly it had affected him; seeing the reality of nuclear war. 

"I've been too busy getting high with Ray Charles to worry about nuclear war."

Four Years later, the intermideary range treaty was signed, banning the production of nuclear weapons like the ones that almost caused WW3 during the Cuban missile crisis, and Reagan sent a telegram to the director basically naming Day After as the reason why. Reagan later went on to say how the film had changed his view on a winnable nuclear war in his memoirs. The film was also shown on Soviet TV in 1987, three years before the Berlin wall was torn down...

"No wall can stop me from seeing Steve Guttenberg and Tom Selleck raise a baby!"

So, next bank holiday weekend, when your nursing your hangover and eating left over pizza and Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol comes on the TV. Don't switch it off. Because, maybe, just maybe, if it wasn't for this guy:

Your world might've looked like this

[Not Pictured] Flesh Eating Neds

A descent into madness: A portrait of Nick Cage

A descent into madness: A portrait of Nick Cage

Sitting next to him on the bus is uncomfortable, you don't trust him with scissors, you look over your shoulder at night for fear of seeing him coming for you with a straight razor in each hand and your face tattooed on his chest. If you just said any of these things, you're probably describing Nicolas Kim Coppola AKA Nick Cage.

There's almost a perception spell around Nicholas Cage's acting. You've seen something disturbing. You feel uneasy. You can't quite work out what has happened. You've sensed on some level, the truly awful "acting" ability of Nick.

Case in point :

No, this wasn't directed by David Lynch

This is one of Cage's first roles. Which begs the questions 1) how did he pass the audition when he's clearly an alien replicant who needs t be destoyed by fire. And 2) How did he continue to get roles after this?

Nepotistic Coppola Bullshit

Due to legal reasons I can't say things like "Francis Ford Coppola is his uncle and that's the only reason Nicholas Cage isn't masturbating on a subway car whilst screaming his own name, right now." No, if I were to say something like that it would be slanderous and wrong. However, when a close relative has directed The Godfather and Apocalypse Now it helps get your foot in the door even if you have the acting skills of  a used golf ball lying in a drainage ditch. Hey, just ask Sofia Coppola.

ACTO-BOT 1000 IS ONLINE! INITIATE ACTING PROTOCOL 0110101! 

Ok, so he has had maybe one or two good films in his vast repertoire of horseshit. But, digging through his back-catalogue to find them is like diving headfirst into a mountain of chemical waste to retrieve a pen you quite like. It's just not worth it, man. 

Inside the Mind Of Cage

Nick's insanity isn't limited to the screen. It bleeds into the world like a Lovecraft-style hole in reality. He took the "Cage" name from Luke Cage, AKA Powerman, a lesser known African-American superhero; why? Because FUCK YOU, that's why. He was married to Elvis Pressley's daughter (a woman with a unquestionable taste in men, having previously dated 90's Michael Jackson). He names his "Acting Style" Nouveu Shamanistic; a style he invented that contains as much bullshit as it does pretension. He Named his son Kal-El, after Superman. And, when arrested for assault and battery last year, he was bailed out by DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER...

Nick Cage in reality

Nick Cage of fiction

So, as we can see, Cage is an angry, weird individual. And though we may be safe from his Tim Burton directed Superman reboot, we will never truly be safe from Cage. Never. So, lock your doors and windows, always carry garlic, holy water, and silver. A Nick Cage attack can be deflected by showing Cage his own reflection, which he will then precede to peck at while you make your escape. Only you can prevent Nick Cage.