Bad Movie April: Man's Best Friend

This month I'll be watching bad movies and taking the most ridiculous scenes out of what little context they have to remind us all that other people have failed much, much harder than we ever will. For example, you'd have to break your dick in a dishwasher or get a goat pregnant to fail as hard as the makers of:

Man's Best Friend



 In this scene, Max the genetically engineered killer dog who has from a escaped a top secret research facility fulfills every dog's dream by growing razor sharp claws and chasing a cat up a tree. And if that sentence seems ridiculous to you then you’re a better screenwriter than the guy or gal who penned this script. Of course, this scene means to carry on as it began: improbably. So, after catching up with the cat, Max goes one further and swallows it whole like a duck. The greatest aspect of this scene is that you just know that the cat they used absolutely hated being jammed into a weird prosthetic dog and that some poor gaffer probably got scrammed silly.



Best Line: “You sicced him on that cat not me!”

Darth Vader's Body Gave Away The Ending to Empire Strikes Back



 

David Prowse played Darth Vader's body. He was kind of like Agnew to James Earl Jones' Richard Nixon. The reason he didn't actually do the voice of Darth Vader is because he kind of sounded like a Westcounty milk-man


"You are a traitor and a spy. Now would you like full fat or semi-skimmed?"
We've always been told that Prowse wasn't told the twist ending for Empire Strikes Back (that Darth Vader is Luke's son) and that the original line Prowse spoke was "I killed your father!" but new evidence has come to light that explains why David Prowse is banned from all official Star wars reunions. Not only did David Prowse know what the twist ending was...he only went and told an actual newspaper that was doing a story on him.


This article -- which was published in Sunnyvale, California in 1978 according to retroist.com -- contained an interview with Prowse in the build up to the sequel to A New Hope. Prowse talked about innocuous things like his costume, his bodybuilding and the twist ending to his movie.
"Oh, and it won't be out for thirty years but Bruce Willis was dead all along."
Source: Retroist

This Belongs in a Museum: Tom Hanks and Dan Akroyd's Rap Video



Remember that scene in Raiders of The Lost Ark where the Nazis opened the Arc Of The Covenant? Well, I’ve donned my fedora and whip and adventured ‘cross the internet to find you a dangerous relic from another mysterious, magical and ultimately terrifying period of human history: The 80’s. And what I've found is shocking: a music video starring Tom Hanks and Dan Akroyd for the little known movie adaptation of Dragnet. They rap. And It’s going to melt your face. Off.


You actually watched it? You crazy bastard. Well, you must be wondering why your ears are bleeding. That'll be the curse...yeah, I probably should have mentioned that. You see, in the eighties everybody kind of worshipped this pagan god of blood sacrifices -- you have to remember porn was a lot harder to come by then. It's why they got so many Princes, Back To The Futures and rubiks cubes and why we have Justin Bieber, Twilight and she-wees. Not to worry, just share the video with a sucker friend within seven days and T-chaka The Goat Headed Blood Fiend won't rise from his fiery temple of bones to, you know, kill you and stuff.

"Your soul is mine!"

Three Actors Who Ruined Superhero Movies





Put away your batarangs. Hang up that cape you bought off Ebay. No more dressing up as the Joker for Halloween. Ben Affleck is Batman and most of the internet isn't too happy. Scratch a nerd and, well, he'll put iodine on that scratch and then cover it up with a Batman stickey plaster. Batman is pretty important to us. Too important for someone like Ben Affleck to fuck with. So, we've pretty much already decided that Affleck's Batman is going to bomb before they've even started filming it. And what’s the counterargument? “Well, Affleck was in Argo and Argo was good so maybe we should give him a chance.”  They may have a point if it wasn't for...

 
**cough** Daredevil **cough**

Sure, Ben's been in some pretty good movies. Mallrats and Goodwill Hunting stand out. But he's been in twice as many Surviving Christmases, Jersey Girls, Paychecks, Pearl Harbours and Armageddons. Christian Bale's Pre-Batman filmography revealed a capable actor who was very picky about the roles he chose. He took each seriously and wouldn't have agreed to be the Dark Knight unless he could make the role believable while staying true to the source material. Here’s three actors who are, in some cases, much more talented than Ben (Gigli) Affleck, but still somehow fucked up their franchises.


Nick Cage as Ghost Rider



Do me a favour. Watch this clip.



Now, imagine you’re a very important cog in a machine that makes movies. A producer of some sort. It’s your job to choose an actor for your movie -- which represents an investment of millions of dollars and man hours. Would you put Nicholas in your movie? Ghost Rider did. And here’s the inevitable result.




The fact that Ghost Rider was as enjoyable as a chili powder enema isn’t Nick Cage’s fault. Cage is obviously not quite right in the head. But someone, some capable and presumably sane person chose to cast Cage in something other than a straight jacket and expected it to be good. Cage wasn't always like this, though, he was once a fantastic actor and I encourage you to check out Raising Arizona, Leaving Las Vegas and even his borderline performance in Matchstick Men.


George Clooney As Batman



Batman is the world’s greatest detective. He’s a genius, a billionaire and a freaking ninja. At least from 2005 onwards. Before that he was a campy moron who designed his suits to have molded pecs and nipples. He didn’t so much hide in the shadows as he...well, attended charity auctions to buy dates with his bat credit card.




Clooney can’t be blamed entirely for the suckiness of this movie. It featured dead half assed performances from every member of the cast and the sets all looked like they were co-designed by Adam West and a mentally ill drag queen. 

Edward Norton as Hulk 

Edward Norton is a man with a split personality. That’s the synopsis of no less than five Edward Norton films. I can’t help but wonder if his filmography is a cry for help. So, it’s not surprising that he was chosen to play the Hulk. And he would have done a good job if he actually played the Hulk. One of the reasons Hulk films seem to fail is because directors want to develop the character of Bruce Banner and flesh him out by making him an annoying whiney gasbag. Their logic being: if we can believe that Brucey is real we’ll believe in the fifteen foot green monster he turns into who jumps over skyscrapers. Nope, wrong, directors. We want to see the hulk smash shit.

 This is all the character development Hulk needs








Dirty Dancing: In Which A Sexual Predator Grooms His Prey With Shitty Dancing





Dirty Dancing is a weird film for two reasons. The first: Patrick Swayzee's character Johnny is obviously a paedofile. He's a grown man grooming an underage girl for sex (and that girl is called "Baby", no less).  Her parent's are the real heros. I wouldn't want some creepy, sweaty man grinding against my teenage daughter, either. 

"Mmmm, you smell like school."
And the second reason? Girls goddamn love this film. It's worrying. I mean, if I knew anything about women I clearly wouldn't be writing about Dirty Dancing on the internet and crying into a reheated pizza, but even I know that little girls shouldn't be exposed to this sort of weird...well paedo propaganda. "How dare you!" I hear you say. "Johnny's love for Baby is entirely romantic and non sexual!" Well, voice in my head, you may be inerested to know that I recently came across this weird deleted scene from Dirty Dancing where Johnny and Baby do...something


They’re not quite dancing. And they're not quite having sex - because they still have most of their clothing on. But there’s an uncomfortable amount of pelvic thrusting and “Oh” faces.


This goes on for some time.


Look, I’ll be Frank: I could go on torturing myself by taking more screenshots and you could go on looking at those screenshots. But, I think you get the picture - the horrifyingly nauseating picture. So, we’ll stop here.


That’s funny. I didn’t post that picture. If I was a superstitious man I’d almost say that this scene was cursed. Haunted even. Hey, Patrick Swayzee was in that film where he was a ghost, right?


Oh, God. It won’t stop!


Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Batman Forever:a deleted scene brought to you by crystal meth and the stink of despair



Hey, remember that scene from Batman Forever that was co-written by H.P Lovecraft, Stephen King and a deranged, masturbating lunatic? Nope, because it ended up as a deleted scene. Now, if the makers of Batman Forever understood subtlety in any way shape or form the whole movie would have been deleted, encased in concrete and buried in a nuclear silo full of sulphuric acid. So, in order for a scene from this film to be deemed “jumping the shark” you’d have to jump so hard your lifeless body would circle the Earth forever as a motherfucking satellite. So, how fucked up is this scene? Well, firstly Batman ventures into the batcave in order to re-find himself by confronting his origins.


By telling Alfred about that time he was lead singer for The Doors.
He finds a remarkably well preserved diary left by his father at least a decade ago. Bear in mind that this is the batcave: meaning it's cold, damp and full of thousands of bats.

This book must be caked in batshit.

He opens it to a page which reminds him of something terrible



For a moment there I thought he might have found the script.

And then he comes face to face with a giant bat. Okay, clearly at this point the writer is lying in a stupor after having huffed a can of aerosol and passed out. Because this scene couldn’t possibly have been written by an adult.

 

 The only possible explanation is that a five year old is now writing this movie.



"And then the bat's all, like, 'screeeeeek!' and Batman goes 'ra-ta-ta-ta-ta!"


The two face off and it's obvious that Batman forever is trying to be serious and deep. But what we actually get is this:

"Paint me like one of your French girls, Batman."

The bat hovers an inch from Bruce's face almost like they're about to make out any second. Bruce even raises his arms like they're both facing the Antarctic wind on the edge of The Titanic.



An interspecies love affair would have detracted from the obvious homoerotic subtext of this movie.


And then it cuts to Bruce leaving the cave. So, what am I supposed to make of what just happened. Did he...did he just fuck that bat to get his mojo back? The oddly serene look on his face and that Goofy smile seem to say yes. He definitely looks like a man who just blew his bat-wad when he tells his butler: “I’m Batman, Alfred...I’m Batman.”

"Shall I fetch your pills, Master Bruce?"

3 Reasons Why The Ending of Fight Club Is Terrifying For Everybody


If you’re reading this you’ve probably seen Fight Club. If not, did you come from the past in some sort of HG Well’s style time machine? If so, welcome to the internet. We have a lot of porn. For everybody else, allow me to ruin Fight Club for you as we ignore the bullshit happy ending we were given and look at what would really happen after the credits roll.


"So by 'strange time in your life' you mean just after you killed a bunch of people and...is that...do you have a boner?"


1: Fight Club won’t just go away because Tyler’s gone

"For the last time, I don't care if you were in Requiem For A Dream. Your band sucks!"

By the end of the movie there are more Fight Clubs than there are Starbucks and they don’t require Tyler to run them. Which makes sense, because KFC runs itself just fine without Colonel Sanders. As Jack confirms at the police station.

Detective Stern and THREE DETECTIVES stand, staring at Jack,
   who's seated.  On the table are the phone bill and files.

JACK
  There are probably several hundred
  members in the metropolitan area.
Chapters are sprouting in at least
five other major cities.  They're
  tightly-regimented, with many cells
    capable of operating without a
central leader.
    
Tyler has made every precaution to stop Jack from interfering or destroying Fight Club by ordering the Space Monkeys to ignore his orders. Which is just the sort of paradox you'd excepect from a man who breaks the first rule of Fight Club to anounce the second rule of Fight Club which is about not breaking the first rule of Fight Club. Just take this scene for example where jack finds some of Project Mayhem’s plans and tries to leaf through them:

ANGEL FACE
   That wouldn't interest you.

JACK
Where's Tyler?

ANGEL FACE
The first rule of Project --

  JACK
  Right, right.

"This is about the disfuguring injuries thing again, isn't it? When are you going to let that go?"

Project mayhem will stop at nothing to bring about Tyler’s vision of the future. And This isn't a future where we stream episodes of Doctor Who and eat microwave pizzas, this is more of a knife fighting marauding street gangs kind of future. As Tyler explains:
                        

TYLER
             In the world I see -- you're stalking
             elk through the damp canyon forests
             around the ruins of Rockefeller
             Center.  You will wear leather
             clothes that last you the rest of
             your life.  You will climb the wrist-
             thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears
             Tower.  You will see tiny figures
             pounding corn and laying-strips of
             venison on the empty car pool lane of
             the ruins of a superhighway.

"From now on anyone who knows who knows what a duvet is will be an enemy of the republic."


2: Jack is either going to be arrested or castrated or both

Any chance of a happy ending for Jack goes out the window when he runs into a police station and and starts screaming about acts of terrorism:

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

   Jack RUNS to the front desk, crazed, dumps the armload of
   files on the desk in front of the DESK SERGEANT...
JACK
I want you to arrest me.  I'm the
leader of a terrorist organization
     responsible for acts of vandalism all
over the city.  Detective Stern in
arson knows who I am...

Yeah, police usually follow up on tips like that even in a pre 9/11 world.

"But, guys, I overcame the dark personification of my hatred of capitalism...that means I can go home, right? Guys?"

One police officer takes this pretty seriously and goes off to check this out. While other police officers subtly reveal that they work for Project Mayhem with some casual attempted dick slicing. 

BALD DETECTIVE
You know the drill.  You said if
anyone ever tries to interfere with
  Project Mayhem, even you, we got to
get his balls.
 
"And that concludes this week's meeting. Oh, one last thing before I forget: if I mention any of this please cut off my balls."

And let’s not forget that this isn’t just a weird comic aside. The cops actually allude to the fact that they have done this enough times to set an actual record.                 
       

BALDY
   What's our best time for a "cut and
run?"

FLAT-TOP
Four minutes.

BALDY
Is somebody timing this?

REDHEAD
(looks at his watch)
Wait till the second hand gets to the
twelve.

You also have to take into account that there are four guys in this room and three of them are in Fight Club. In maths terms this means that 75% of the police force work for Project Mayhem and have direct orders to cut off people's dicks.
  
Well. Fuck.

So, we can assume at some points after the credits Jack ends up peeing sitting down for the rest of his life or - I dunno. What's a time-sensitive girly reference? Watching Twilight? But the good news is he won’t have to go to jail because...

3: Jack will be institutionalised

Jack suffers from an extreme version of dissociative personality disorder. Even if shooting himself through the cheek somehow deals with the Tyler Durden issue temporarily  that doesn’t mean Tyler will not come back, in some form. For example, if I were to shoot Nick fucking Nolte through the face with a harpoon gun, and he survived (we're talking about Nick Nolte so he WILL survive) will he then become more or less insane?

Uh, that’s not how you cure schizophrenia. If anything, that probably makes it worse.

Some night when Jack is lonely or scared or depressed, Tyler will come back to cheer him up. And if not Tyler, then some other expression of his subconscious. Maybe, a representation of his father. Or, I don't know, the fucking Easter Bunny wearing crotchless panties and singing Taylor Swift songs. What do I know? The guy's fucking crazy.

And he can never eat soup again.

So the best case scenario for Jack is that he ends up in an institution for the criminally insane. Instead of going to jail or losing his balls and occasionally becoming Tyler Durden as society collapses outside. And maybe, just maybe he gets the occasional acknowledging nod from a janitor with a black eye, or a knowing glance from a male nurse. That isn’t speculation, by the way, that’s how the novel actually ends.

Not pictured: Sanity