A descent into madness: A portrait of Nick Cage

A descent into madness: A portrait of Nick Cage

Sitting next to him on the bus is uncomfortable, you don't trust him with scissors, you look over your shoulder at night for fear of seeing him coming for you with a straight razor in each hand and your face tattooed on his chest. If you just said any of these things, you're probably describing Nicolas Kim Coppola AKA Nick Cage.

There's almost a perception spell around Nicholas Cage's acting. You've seen something disturbing. You feel uneasy. You can't quite work out what has happened. You've sensed on some level, the truly awful "acting" ability of Nick.

Case in point :
No, this wasn't directed by David Lynch

This is one of Cage's first roles. Which begs the questions 1) how did he pass the audition when he's clearly an alien replicant who needs t be destoyed by fire. And 2) How did he continue to get roles after this?

Nepotistic Coppola Bullshit

Due to legal reasons I can't say things like "Francis Ford Coppola is his uncle and that's the only reason Nicholas Cage isn't masturbating on a subway car whilst screaming his own name, right now." No, if I were to say something like that it would be slanderous and wrong. However, when a close relative has directed The Godfather and Apocalypse Now it helps get your foot in the door even if you have the acting skills of  a used golf ball lying in a drainage ditch. Hey, just ask Sofia Coppola.


Ok, so he has had maybe one or two good films in his vast repertoire of horseshit. But, digging through his back-catalogue to find them is like diving headfirst into a mountain of chemical waste to retrieve a pen you quite like. It's just not worth it, man. 

Inside the Mind Of Cage

Nick's insanity isn't limited to the screen. It bleeds into the world like a Lovecraft-style hole in reality. He took the "Cage" name from Luke Cage, AKA Powerman, a lesser known African-American superhero; why? Because FUCK YOU, that's why. He was married to Elvis Pressley's daughter (a woman with a unquestionable taste in men, having previously dated 90's Michael Jackson). He names his "Acting Style" Nouveu Shamanistic; a style he invented that contains as much bullshit as it does pretension. He Named his son Kal-El, after Superman. And, when arrested for assault and battery last year, he was bailed out by DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER...

Nick Cage in reality

Nick Cage of fiction

So, as we can see, Cage is an angry, weird individual. And though we may be safe from his Tim Burton directed Superman reboot, we will never truly be safe from Cage. Never. So, lock your doors and windows, always carry garlic, holy water, and silver. A Nick Cage attack can be deflected by showing Cage his own reflection, which he will then precede to peck at while you make your escape. Only you can prevent Nick Cage.

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