Resident Evil Retribtuion (Starring Barry Burton). What is it?

Contains spoilers(If it's possible to spoil a Resident Evil movie)

If you were asked who your favourite character from the Resident Evil games is and said anything other than Barry Burton you’re probably suffering from the early effects of the T-virus. Consider throwing yourself through the nearest window. If you did say Barry Burton, congratulations you win a colt Python.





                                            It’s especially powerful against living things

The scripts for all these movies read like somebody was trying to see how much bullshit they could write before dying from solvent abuse. So, it was with great trepidation that I decided I might watch the newest Resident Evil movie. Yup, the promise of Barry Burton is enough incentive to watch a Paul W. Anderson Resident Evil movie: a series that’s only gimmick is some obligatory Milla Jovovich sideboob.

                                           TWO HOURS OF BRAIN DAMAGE FOR THIS?

But first, let’s take a look, at the man (the legend) that is Barry Burton. A man with such lines as “What is this...blood?” and “Phew that was close...you were almost a Jill sandwich” and my personal favourite “FOOOOOOOOOOOREST!”

                                         
                                  The weirdest thing is this isn’t even edited THAT MUCH



                                                   
Yup, that’s Chris Durant from Wolverine origins. If you don’t remember him in Wolverine origins he was in every scene where that stinging pain in your head ceased momentarily. He was fairly good at playing Blob in other words. He’s shown up in some other bad movies and TV shows such as Dark Angel and the later series of Lost and is a fairly good character actor. Just to prove the fact that God hates him let’s see a list of his credits:

Walking Tall
Legion
Real Steel
I Am Number 4
Robin Hood (the crappy one)

                                                            
Clearly, this guys falls asleep crying with a belly full of bourbon and a gun in his mouth every night

So, what’s the movie like?

Well it sucks. As usual Chris Ass-bastard Anderson followed the exact same plot as all the other films.

Act 1:
Introduce Jovovich semi naked
Bring in some characters who are better than Jovovich
Stupid kung fu scene

Act 2
Kill off all the good characters
focus on Jovovich some more

Act 3
Bang bang shooty action
Boom boom a fucking explosion
BULLSHIT ENDING

And did Barry actually get to say any of his famous dialogue? No, because that would involve Anderson actually having some modicum of respect for this series instead of raping it in the ass while laughing maniacally in a gimp suit as the budget burns.

"It's not about the money...okay, yeah, it's totally about the money."

Barry has hardly any lines in this at all, and when he does, they’re pure exposition. The closest we get to some actual Barry dialogue is when Leon Kennedy asks Barry “What is this?” and Barry responds “I don’t know.” Are you fucking kidding me, Anderson? Oh, and this is the guy who plays Kennedy:

                          Okay, Anderson, it's pretty clear you've never played these games


And as a parting fuck you to the audience, Anderson gives us one tidbit of Barry Burton’s potential awesomeness before killing him.

Goddamn you, Anderson


So, what’s my unbiased professional opinion of this steaming pile of cine-shit? 4 out of 10 fucks are given and not a single fuck more. And although I don't usually use memes to express my disproval, I'm making a special one-time-only exception. Take it away, Spiderman!



2 comments:

  1. I win a Python, and I also have a script for RE6 that makes perfect sense, actually can be good, and brings Barry back to life without stupid zombie stuff ( and the first Barry being a clone.)

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  2. You're python is in the mail. Along with a Jill sandwich if you can get the script optioned.

    ReplyDelete