Batman Forever:a deleted scene brought to you by crystal meth and the stink of despair

Hey, remember that scene from Batman Forever that was co-written by H.P Lovecraft, Stephen King and a deranged, masturbating lunatic? Nope, because it ended up as a deleted scene. Now, if the makers of Batman Forever understood subtlety in any way shape or form the whole movie would have been deleted, encased in concrete and buried in a nuclear silo full of sulphuric acid. So, in order for a scene from this film to be deemed “jumping the shark” you’d have to jump so hard your lifeless body would circle the Earth forever as a motherfucking satellite. So, how fucked up is this scene? Well, firstly Batman ventures into the batcave in order to re-find himself by confronting his origins.

By telling Alfred about that time he was lead singer for The Doors.
He finds a remarkably well preserved diary left by his father at least a decade ago. Bear in mind that this is the batcave: meaning it's cold, damp and full of thousands of bats.

This book must be caked in batshit.

He opens it to a page which reminds him of something terrible

For a moment there I thought he might have found the script.

And then he comes face to face with a giant bat. Okay, clearly at this point the writer is lying in a stupor after having huffed a can of aerosol and passed out. Because this scene couldn’t possibly have been written by an adult.


 The only possible explanation is that a five year old is now writing this movie.

"And then the bat's all, like, 'screeeeeek!' and Batman goes 'ra-ta-ta-ta-ta!"

The two face off and it's obvious that Batman forever is trying to be serious and deep. But what we actually get is this:

"Paint me like one of your French girls, Batman."

The bat hovers an inch from Bruce's face almost like they're about to make out any second. Bruce even raises his arms like they're both facing the Antarctic wind on the edge of The Titanic...And then it cuts to Bruce leaving the cave. So, what am I supposed to make of what just happened. Did he...did he just fuck that bat to get his mojo back? The oddly serene look on his face and that Goofy smile seem to say yes. He definitely looks like a man who just blew his bat-wad when he tells his butler: “I’m Batman, Alfred...I’m Batman.”

"Shall I fetch your pills, Master Bruce?"

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